Disclaimer:
This is not a blog aimed at giving advice, gyan or to act as self-help medium
to guide you through fatherhood. My own tryst with fatherhood is short enough to
be statistically irrelevant. This is more of a general observation, thoughts
and “feelings” which needs an outlet much like the dark poop from my baby’s
bum.
I am part of Xennial and Millennial confusion. Born in ’84,
I am technically a Millennial but I relate to the confusion of Xennials. Having
seen the whole spectrum from trunk calls to Skype calls, my existence has been
about striking a balance – between the optimism around the things yet to come,
and pessimism that well things never really change, while making that full
circle of no social media – yahoo messenger – Orkut- Facebook – no social media
(well almost). However, when it comes to Men and emotions, I feel the journey
has been rather different and perhaps I have missed my train somewhere – let me
explain.
“Men
learn to express their emotions not from their parents or brothers but from the
movies”
Movies have had a deep impact of what is considered “manly”
among the masses. Not to say that there weren’t enough variety of what was V-EQ (Visible Emotional Quotient) at all
times, but it is fair to say that men during the era of Dev Anand, Rajesh
Khanna and Uttam Kumar (Bengali actor) on an average is less likely to fit the song –
Main Laila Laila chillaunga Kurta Phaad
ke, in comparison to Govinda, Akshay Kumar and Varun Dhawan. There was a
higher appreciation for poignant pauses than loud monologues, and longing stares
than pointed questions like – “aati kya khandala?”. In short, adding to the
overall confusion created by hard choices around status messages and profile
pics, I often found my V-EQ rather inappropriate
given the contemporary levels of the same. Hence in all such situations where
the man is expected to give an emotional response, I have largely resorted to
humor, often at my own peril. For example – when the radiologist showed us the
scan and said that the baby looks like the father, I sent out an audible prayer
“Oh no! I hope that’s not a girl”, and ended up getting a stern look in return.
Needless to say, that questions around feelings have been my life’s in-swinging
Yorkers.
How do
you feel?
Last Wednesday, I got my life’s most important promotion –
fatherhood. It has been a great ride so far, but nothing in my ride prepared me
to succinctly answer the question that followed – how do you feel as a father?
In my attempt to fill in the conversation and to respond
specially since the tick had turned blue on WhatsApp I would answer in one,
more or combination of lame responses – relieved, feeling more responsible,
great or the one which was probably closest to the truth – still sinking in. It’s
been 5 days and I don’t have an answer. It’s often said that a man’s life
changes when he holds his baby for the first time in his arms – I am quite sure
now that there is no such epiphany which follows that experience. My lack of V-EQ didn’t help the cause, - I had no ready
poems to share or no pre-saved FB status message to herald the arrival of the
new born to far and beyond. I am afraid that my son will judge me in my future
as a father and criticize me for my apparent lack of emotions. But in this
moment of yet another confusion, I decided to at least answer to myself- how do
I really feel?
Mothers form a deep biological bond with their babies during
pregnancy. Babies can recognize their mother’s heartbeat, her smell and her
voice. For fathers, it’s the proverbial “Day 1” of a start-up. I think the first
feelings of a father are fear and
apprehension. That little thing smeared in amniotic fluid – is he alright? Is
this how he is supposed to look? Apprehension is when the nurse asked me to
hold the baby in my arm right outside the labor room – there was no fiber in my
body which was not tense. Before the baby is born all the things that we
purchased seemed like an elaborate shopping list, and like many times before,
we were sure 80% of these would go un-utilized. It’s been just 3 days and I
already know that what we bought isn’t half the things that we are going to end
up needing and new things are arriving on a daily basis – each with a unique
user manual. A feeling of awe follows
soon after. I have always been a strong believer of – if it doesn’t kill you,
it makes you stronger, especially when it comes to things pertaining to
immunity. Except this time, I was secretly losing it whenever anybody touched
my baby’s cheeks or was within 5 feet radius without using industrial grade
hand-rub. A feeling of overwhelming
protectiveness (read paranoia) slowly gripped me. And the moment when our
baby passed motion for the first time, I almost conducted a footballer style
victory dive celebrating that great achievement. My feeling of pride and sense of achievement was soon shared with all
the doctors and friends with much enthusiasm, while the response received
varied from a confused look to a matter of fact – OK. In the last couple of days my primary source
of entertainment has been the ever-changing expressions of this new born, beating
all the OTT subscriptions hands down- just a sense of wonder in everything he does.
So, what do I really feel? All of the above and more. It’s
all of the cliched and the non-cliched put together in one whole ball of emotions.
Its everything and yet it’s nothing in comparison to what a mother would feel
about her baby. It’s just the beginning – the beginning of an evolution of me.
