Friday, October 31, 2014

The Slap Point


I guess many will remember the MTV One Tight Slap (with a special emphasis on the "Onnneee"). At least I do. Not because I remember those jokes or really liked them as much; its just because when the voice over artist said- One Tight slap, it just captured the intense desire to whack that idiot off the screen so well. And is that the reason why I still remember it? Partially but I remember it because I hear that voice too often in my head.. don't you? 

Ever saw that family in mall which decides to have their little family meeting right at the entrance of the mall, blocking everyone's passage; or the biker who overtakes you from your left side and then gives you the look as if you are at fault; or that driver at the parking lot exit, who seems surprised to find a person asking for money as if in his universe humans don't have to pay for parking; or that couple who fall in love everyday with each other and find it necessary to post it on FB (I am surprised they haven't hurt themselves yet after so much falling); or the ones sending Candy Crush invites on FB. I bet you did. What do I find common across these people? Well many things actually, but most of all - they all need Onnnneeee Tight Slap! Put your hand to your heart and tell me that you don't agree ! 

This feeling led to the postulation of the "Slap Point". So what is Slap Point? 
I believe there is a Slap-Time Continuum in every person's life. Every action has a "Slap Value" attached to it, and every man should strive to lead a life with near zero Slap Value at all times - let's call this level as - "Slap Threshold". In short all actions which don't cross Slap Threshold can be ignored for all practical purposes - e.g. Watching SRK's Happy New Year, Supporting Mamata Banerjee in last assembly elections etc.

However, once in a while he will do those actions which crosses this level, such as - passing remarks on a girl walking by and expecting her to turn around and give you her number, Watching Humshakals , Supporting Arvind Kejriwal in up-coming Delhi Elections, and that is when he has earned his One Tight Slap, and this point on Slap-Time Continuum is called the "Slap Point".

Now the interesting thing to note is that "Stitch in time saves nine" is applicable in the Slap frame of reference as well. One Slap at the right time, can save well a lot more than nine. However just like many other deadly forces of our time (e.g. Himesh Reshamiya's rendition of tera tera tera Surooooor) this creeps up unnoticed and before you know it there is that 'one too many' moment (much like Xpose). Once you cross this point, you can never return to your ideal score of 0 on Slap- Time continuum, and forever left with a "Residual Slap Value". In short you are damaged for life- e.g. Rahul Gandhi, Sonam Kapoor or that kid who shouts - aata mazi satak li in Singham 2. This point is called "#YoRahulSoYoung's Modulus" (after Young's Modulus in elasticity). 

However, till that time of hitting the point of no return, there is hope. May be with one or may be with many; may be by one person or may be by many, that person still might come back to his original state, e.g. Indian Cricket Team, Anu Malik, Raghu-Rajiv of the world still have hope in this life. Its all up to their friends and well wishers to calculate the Slap Count and deliver it with the ferocity and intensity captured in that commercial. I am sure that this theory of mine is going to catch up soon, and soon we will have a "Swasth Bharat Abhiyaan", powered by "Ek Tamacha Jor Ka". Its up to us now, to make this world a better place - One Tight Slap at a Time...